Runaway
by Emcee Frodis
Summary: After his humiliating defeat on Crait and being cut off from Rey, Kylo Ren finds he has no taste for leading the First Order. When the First Order apprehends The Ghost- under the command of Captain Kaila Syndulla- he sees his opportunity. Ben Solo will travel the galaxy to understand his place in it and how to become the man Rey wants.
1. The Finalizer: Runaway

**Chapter 1**  
 **The Finalizer: Runaway**

They were planning to kill him. As Kylo stared out the viewport of the _Finalizer_ , this thought stayed at the forefront of his mind.

Even without the Force, Kylo would've been able to sense it. Hux wasn't gifted with great cunning. It was plain as day that Hux wished to supplant him. The troopers were loyal to Hux. A coupe was only a matter of time.

They feared him, but after his embarrassing defeat on Crait they did not respect him. They saw him as a petulant child. They barely tolerated him as Snoke's second in command, let alone his successor.

Kylo was going to burn it all down.

And then... What? What would he leave in its place?

Ben thought of Rey. How much easier it would have been has she been at his side? Then, everything would have made sense. Everything made so much more sense when he had been with her. Even if he questioned their bond, he never questioned _her_. He had never allowed himself to be so open to anyone and yet... It had felt natural. Right.

What was he supposed to do now?

Ben didn't care about the First Order. If he were honest, he never cared. He had wanted to please his master, the only one who had ever believed in him, who had never abandoned him. The very master he'd cut in half.

For her.

Rey had believed in him. Believed that there was something of worth.

But even she had abandoned him eventually.

"Supreme Leader."

Kylo looked away from the viewport, turning to face General Hux.

"We've intercepted a ship. VCX-100 Light Freighter. We've detained the Captain on suspicion of smuggling and possibly collaboration. The cargo was... Suspect." General Hux took a step towards Kylo.

Holding his head high, Kylo took a deep breath. He was still adjusting to being consulted on such matters. "Why are you bringing this to me? Is it not something you can handle?"

"The Captain was armed." Hux held out the weapon. "With this."

With gloved hand, Kylo accepted the lightsaber. He held it in his hands. He had not seen it for years, but it was so familiar to him. There was no mistaking it. Leather-clad fingers curled around the hilt. "Take me to her."

Kylo stormed after Hux towards the cellblock. As they moved closer, Kylo thought about his helmet. He had been going without for months. Now, he regretted the decision to destroy it.

Two Stormtroopers flanked the cell. "Leave," Kylo growled. The troopers did not hesitate to scatter. Kylo turned his smouldering gaze towards Hux. "I said _leave_." He flung out his hand, sending the General flying down the corridor.

He turned his attention back to the cell, dimly aware of Hux scrambling away. He pressed the controls, the cell door opening with a whoosh.

It had been years since he had seen her, but she did not look much different. He walked slowly into the cell, eyeing the slight, green-skinned woman. "Captain Syndulla."

She raised her chin defiantly. "Supreme Leader Ren, is it?" Her Rylothian accent was thicker than he remembered. She had spent time with her mother's people since he'd seen her last. "You've gone up in the world."

Her blue eyes drifted to her lightsaber. "If we are to do this, I would like for that back. Make it a duel rather than an execution."

Ben looked at the lightsaber and flinched slightly. He was taken aback not by the request, but the idea he would execute her. It disturbed him that it _hadn't_ been his first instinct. "You're smuggling now? Hardly fitting a Jedi."

She shook her head slowly. "Not much is expected of a Jedi anymore."

"You're smuggling for the Resistance."

"I'm smuggling for a lot of people," She retorted.

"You don't even bother to deny it." Kylo held out the lightsaber, extending it towards her slender throat, still unignited. She closed her eyes, grimacing. "You're very brave. And very stupid."

"I have very little to lose," She whispered. "By your reputation, I have been living on borrowed time for quite a while."

It would have been so easy to ignite the blade, to slice open her throat. Instead, Ben withdrew the saber. Without another word, he turned and stormed out of the cell.

Hux was lingering. "Supreme Leader..." He approached hesitantly.

"Confiscate her cargo. I will deal with her personally."

* * *

Kaila Syndulla.

Ben laid back on his bed and wondered the last time that name had come to his mind. He supposed he hadn't given her a thought since he'd joined Snoke. He wondered why he hadn't. She was an obvious target. She and Ezra Bridger had been the only Jedi he knew of with Skywalker in exile. They were good at keeping a low profile. It made it easy to put it out of his mind.

He remembered when he first met her. He had been seven and another nanny had left his parents' employ. It was difficult to find someone to deal with a rambunctious, Force wielding child. Whenever he drove one off, he ended up left with Threepio, which was never fun. But that time... That was when he met Kaila. She was a skinny twelve-year-old who looked like she would crack after an hour with him. He'd laughed and tried to topple a shelf of knick-knacks. She'd simply raised a hand and lifted him off his feet. She turned him over in the air.

 _"Listen kid, we're going to have some rules around here. You can't mess with me."_

He hadn't met anyone even close to his age who could use the Force. His uncle had been searching for potential Force sensitives, but it was very slow. They had all gone into deep hiding. Kaila had been under his nose the whole time. She had been born not long before the Battle of Yavin, the daughter of Jedi Kanan Jarrus. He had been killed while General Syndulla was pregnant. Master Bridger- the only person capable of shielding a Force-sensitive child- had hidden with Kaila in a colony of Twi'lek refugees, while her mother fought with the Rebellion.

While Luke did eventually find more Force sensitives- some even closer to Ben's age- Kaila remained his confidant. Unlike the others, she knew what it was like to be left for the war.

 _"We are children of the Rebellion, Ben. Consider yourself lucky you were born when hostilities were over."_

The children of the Rebellion. What miserable people would bring children into the world, only to abandon them to a cause?

He felt a stab of anger. The children of the Rebellion were abandoned. And some of the children of the Rebellion abandoned people too.

Kylo raised his head and looked to the lightsaber, on the table across the room. He should have stormed back into her cell and taken her smug, green head off.

* * *

Ben was having trouble sleeping. He hadn't had a proper night's rest since Crait.

No, before that. Since Jakku. Since the droid and confronting his father and...

"Rey..." The name slipped out of Ben's lips before he had a chance to stop himself. It didn't matter if he said it audibly. He was screaming it across the Force.

He grimaced as he felt like he was tossed against a wall. The air was knocked out of him from the jolt. It felt so unnatural. Ben could _feel_ the connection. Even if Snoke had caused it, his death had not ended it. He was still tethered to Rey. But she refused to allow him in.

She was talented.

Ben remembered the look in her eyes the last time he saw her. That cold determination. That disappointment.

It had been worse when they had actually been together, in the throne room on _Supremacy_. She had believed him in. But he'd let her down.

Kylo clutched at his chest, fingers digging into the flesh. What was he feeling? What was this sick, disgusted sensation going through him like waves?

He had been feeling like this for weeks. He'd first felt it in the moments after he killed Solo.

He rose from his bed and donned his robes. He grabbed his lightsaber and clipped it to his belt. He needed to do _something_. He wasn't sure what. He paused for a moment, seeing the twisted remains of his grandfather's helmet.

He shook his head, ignoring the shame that washed over him at the sight. He strode out of his chambers and into the corridor.

Kylo's first thought was to go through with it: to go to Kaila's cell and kill her. She was his past. Hadn't he been telling Rey to let go of the past? Why was it so easy for him to say it to her, but impossible for him to actually do it?

Then, the memory of his father's touch on his cheek came unbidden to his mind. Caressing his face before he careened into the abyss of Starkiller Base.

Ben thought about his mother. He hadn't been the one to do it, but he felt like he had. If he hadn't led the team in, his wingman wouldn't have taken out the bridge. He as well as killed her, even if he hadn't been the one to fire.

He should've killed Kaila. She was a Jedi. She was a threat.

Then... Wasn't Rey also a threat?

He heard voices.

"Shouldn't we clear this with the Supreme Leader? That's a lot of credits." He didn't recognize the voice. One of the uniformed plebes.

"That girl murdered Supreme Leader Snoke." That voice he recognized: Hux. "We _cannot_ allow this. Supreme Leader Ren would tell you the same. I want every bounty hunter in the galaxy looking for her!"

Something else coursed through Ben: Fear. Hux was targeting Rey. Of course, Ben had told Hux that Rey had killed Snoke. Of course the First Order would want her dead.

Ben closed his eyes and reached through the Force. He needed to tell her, to warn her.

When he was greeted by the wall again, his body seemed to move on autopilot. He walked back to his chambers. He grabbed his pack. He shoved spare robes in, his holocrons. He stopped at Vader's mask. His hand reached out towards it.

He abruptly moved his hand away and picked up Kaila's lightsaber. He slung his pack over his shoulder and strode back into the corridor, to the lift.

As he was walking down the corridor to the cell, he thought of FN-2187. The traitor. He had done this. He had done _exactly_ this.

Ben shook away the thought and stopped in front of Kaila's cell. He opened it. She raised her head from the hard bunk, looking at the lightsaber in his hand.

He threw it to her and she caught it deftly. She rose to her feet. "So we're doing this?"

"Come with me," Ben demanded.

Ben heard her footsteps behind him. He walked with determination towards the lift. Hux had told him which docking bay the Ghost was being held in. He was Supreme Leader, he had the codes to get anywhere he wanted.

He heard the stormtrooper ahead, but he also heard the thrum of Kaila's lightsaber coming to life behind him. "You arm me and then are stupid enough to turn your back on me?"

Ben snatched up his lightsaber and ignited it. He slashed it across the Stormtrooper before he even had the chance to fully round the corner. He pushed the body aside savagely, looking over his shoulder to the Twi'lek. "If you see anyone, kill them. Don't hesitate. They won't."

When they reached the lift, Ben disengaged his lightsaber. Kaila- obviously reluctant- did the same.

"Do you mind explaining to me what is going on?" She demanded.

Ben cocked his head. "You said you smuggle for a lot of people. You're going to smuggle for me."

Kaila sneered. "I'd rather die."

"That can be arranged."

Kaila pulled back. She took a breath. "And what exactly do you want me to smuggle?"

"Me."


	2. The Ghost: Old Friends

**Chapter 2**  
 **The Ghost: Old Friends**

Ben took a breath as the _Ghost_ shot away from the _Finalizer_. Hux would piece together what had happened soon enough. He'd left more than a few bodies. But the Ghost was in hyperspace before the Star Destroyer could see it. Ben's authorization allowed them to open any doors they needed without raising any alarms.

If he thought he had much time to rest after his escape, he underestimated his companion.

As soon as the ship had come to a stop, Kaila's lightsaber flared to life. "Do you mind telling me what is going on?"

Ben looked impassively at the glowing blue blade. "You're free and you have your ship. Why does anything else matter?"

"You kidnap me! you commandeer my ship!" Kaila rose up, taking her stance. "These are not the actions of the man they call Jedi Killer."

"Do you really want to test that?" Kylo snapped venomously, reaching for his lightsaber.

Kaila just continued to glower at him, her skin illuminated turquoise from the glow of her saber. "Oh, believe me, I have suspected that day to come for years now!" She took a step towards him. "Your own mother told me what you had done. What you would do if you found me. I expected a monster. But what do I see before me? A frightened brat!"

Kylo blinked, shocked by Kaila's words. She really had no fear of him. She'd comes to terms with her inevitable demise. "Fly the ship," he ordered.

"Why do you need my ship?" She asked. She pointed out into space. "You command the entire fleet of the First Order. You rule the galaxy! You could have any of them take you wherever you want to go!" She stopped for a moment, blinking, before cocking her head, Her lekku hanging to the side. "You don't want them to know where you're going. You're running away."

Kylo took a step back. He blinked and swallowed hard.

Kaila's lightsaber disengaged. She dropped it to her side and took a step towards him, furrowing her brow. "Ben...?"

His father, uncle and Rey had been the only ones to call him by that name for years. Snoke had forbid it from being spoken aloud. Kylo turned away, pointing to the controls. "Fly. If you won't, I can do it myself."

Kaila took her seat at Ghost's helm. "She must be a hell of a woman."

"What?" Kylo took the co-pilot's seat. He felt his heart do an odd flutter in his chest.

"The _girl_. The one everyone is talking about." Kaila flicked a few switches. "The one you killed Snoke for. Have the rest of the First Order found out? Is that why you're running?"

"The girl killed Snoke," Ben- no, Kylo... Kylo, Kylo, Kylo- snarled.

"I heard that story too. But there is another story I have heard from the Rebellion." Kaila turned to him. "One where it was you. You killed Snoke to save the girl's life. You fought by her side. I have not met her. But if you were willing to turn against your Master for her..." She raised her arms over her head, stretching. "Your father wasn't even spared."

Ben kept his gaze firmly on the space in front of them. "Why are you flying the _Ghost_? Your mother would never give up this ship."

There was a pause. Just a heartbeat of hesitation. "I'm not going to tell the Supreme Leader of the First Order anything."

"So she's not dead then. No reason to keep it a secret if she was." Ben thought about it. He blinked as realization dawned and he finally turned to Kaila. "Did she think Thrawn would recognize it?"

Kaila remained silent.

"You might as well tell me. Even if I hadn't left the First Order, I don't care if General Syndulla has gone after Thrawn. The First Order cut ties with him years ago." Ben nodded. "Yes... That's it. She's gone after Thrawn. She always had a personal vendetta against him."

"She came to me several years ago and gave me the _Ghost_. I haven't seen her or the rest of the crew since. They're somewhere in the Unknown Region." She paused. "I think."

"Does it bother you?"

"No." Kaila turned to Ben, glowering. "I'm thirty-four kriffing years old. I don't need my mother to watch over me." She pointed a finger at him. "Tell me, Ben... Is taking over the galaxy just a temper tantrum because you think your Mommy and Daddy abandoned you? It wouldn't surprise me. You Skywalkers have always let your family squabbles nearly tear the galaxy apart."

Kylo reached for his lightsaber. Kaila threw her hand out and Force Shoved it out of his hand.

His hand then shot out towards her, fingers curling inward as he reached out with the Force. Kaila grabbed at her throat, choking for air. "I wouldn't test me, Kaila. You think me a brat? I look at you and do you know what I see? A Jedi washout who runs from responsibility and dresses like a Twi'lek whore."

He released his hold on her and Kaila slumped over, taking in deep, gasping breaths. Kaila looked up at him, fear in her eyes for the first time. "What happened to you, Ben?"

Kylo glared. "Maybe if you hadn't left you'd know."

"Certainly doing a lot to dispel me of the belief you're a brat with abandonment issues." She went quiet, turning her focus towards the console in front of her. It was clear it was busy work. She was thinking. "You're walking trash, but you did get me off a Star Destroyer. I can get you away from the First Order... But that's all I'm promising."

* * *

Ben laid back in the bunk. He had randomly chosen one of the four cabins. It didn't seem to be currently lived in. He wasn't sure he cared if it were.

As he reached out with the Force, trying to locate Rey, he felt something. The room had echoes of the Force in it. They were long gone, but still flickers of the light remained. His eyes opened at the sound of the door. "Was this Master Bridger's cabin?"

"My father's," Kaila replied. "Ezra was next door. You can sense him, can't you?" She leaned against the wall and smiled. "Sometimes I come in here and I... I feel his presence."

"Why aren't you flying the ship?" Ben groused, turning on his side to face away from Kaila.

"Why are you so angry at me for leaving?" Kaila asked. He could hear her footsteps on the metal floor, getting closer and closer to him. "Are you so sorry you didn't have the chance to butcher me with the rest of the students?"

"You left because of who I was," Ben snapped. "You found out about my family and you _left_."

"I followed my Master," Kaila replied. "There was always friction between Ezra and Master Skywalker. And when the news about your grandfather came out... That was the straw that broke the eopie's back."

Kylo sat up. "Vader was a _great man_."

"Vader killed my father," Kaila snapped back.

Ben shrank down, looking away and shaking his head. "Thrawn killed your father. That's why your mother hates him so much."

"My mother has a lot of reasons to hate Thrawn. And my father did die in a conflict with him. But as powerful as Thrawn was, he couldn't defeat a Jedi. Vader could. He was there. He cut down my father right in front of Ezra. He _died protecting_ Ezra. And that's only one person of many Vader took from my family." Kaila sat down in the chair across from Ben.

"It wasn't just that Vader was Master Skywalker's father... Your grandfather. Master Skywalker tried to explain to Ezra everything that happened at the Battle of Endor. Master Skywalker risked the entire Rebellion- my mother, Chop, Rex, Sabine, Zeb, _everyone_ \- to bring Vader back to the light side. Ezra just couldn't stay around someone who did that." She looked down. "I had to go with him. Ezra was my Master. He was _family_." She paused. "He regretted leaving. After he'd cooled down. But by then... It was too late."

Ben swallowed the lump that had developed in his throat. "Because I killed everyone."

"You did."

"I lashed out at the man who tried to murder me."

It was now Kaila's turn to recoil.

"I woke up to find my uncle standing over me with his lightsaber ignited, ready to strike." Kylo sat up. "I saw the hypocrisy of the Jedi."

"Master Skywalker was afraid," Kaila whispered. "Of what you were becoming."

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering," Kylo snapped, mocking the words Luke had spoken so many times. "When I looked into his eyes... There was no difference. Light or dark. It didn't matter."

"Dark Sider's lament isn't going to work with me." Kaila rose to her feet. "Nothing you can tell me is going to justify what you've done, Ben. You've killed good people. Our friends. But if you're looking for absolution, the rebels need supplies. I was supposed to bring them. I can work some deals. Get what they need. While I'm dropping them off, I can take you to them."

Ben shook his head. "You can't. If I try to walk into the Resistance headquarters, he'll kill me on sight."

"He?" Kaila shook her head. "He who?"

" _Luke_ ," Ben replied.

"Luke's dead, Ben."

Ben couldn't explain the feeling that rose up in him at tht pronouncement. His father was gone. His mother. And now Luke. "How?"

"When you fought him on Crait," Kaila sighed deeply. "He was still at the First Jedi Temple. He projected himself across the galaxy. It drained his life force."

Another one of his family Ben had caused the death of. "He sacrificed himself to stop me." Ben nodded slowly. He looked down. "Why would he do that?"

"I don't know. I just know what your mom told me."

Ben's head jerked up. "My mom? My mom's dead."

Kaila let out a laugh. "What are you talking about? General Organa is fine. Well... Not _fine_. She's still recovering. Not to mention losing her husband and her brother in such a short span."

"I was _there_!" Kylo shouted. "I saw the bridge get blown up. I know she was on it! I felt her! That's why I..."

"That's why you what?"

Kylo wasn't about to explain to Kaila his feelings in that moment when he'd sensed his mother. How he'd refused to shoot. How his wingman had done it anyway. They emptiness that filled him as he watched that section of the ship explode. "I know my mother is dead."

"General Organa is the one who asked me to ferry supplies to the Rebellion. She trusts me... Because she trusted me with her son. She keeps trying to convince me to stay on. To work with your girl. I don't know what you think happened, but your mother is alive."

"How?" Kylo demanded.

"You never thought much of her choice. Not learning the ways of the Force. That didn't mean she didn't have it. And it's strong in your family. Stronger than any I've seen. Even untrained, an explosion wasn't going to take out General Leia Organa."

She rose to her feet. "So you don't want to go to the Rebellion. So what next, Ben?"

"I don't know," Kylo growled, trying to ignore the panic rising in him at Kaila's revelations.

"Are you going to hold me hostage? Make me take you wherever you want to go? You really haven't given me a compelling reason to put up with you. I got you away from the First Order. My debt to you is paid. Once I find a quiet planet, I'm going to drop your sorry, murderous ass off."

Kaila turned and stormed out of the room.

* * *

"A bit hard on him, don't you think?"

Kaila whirled around at the voice behind her. "Dad."

When he had died, he had been blind. But when he appeared to her, he always looked at her with warm eyes. Had he not been an ethereal blue, Kaila knew his eye color would have matched hers. Kanan smiled softly. "Hi Kai."

"What are you doing here?" She felt her eyes well with tears. "I haven't seen you in years."

"It's not that easy, is it? Besides, you don't need me." Kanan reached out to her, his hand ghosting over her cheek. "Look at you. All grown up. You look so much like your mother." He shook his head. "You can't leave Ben."

"You know what he did." Kaila retorted. "Am I just supposed to forget that and let him tag along like my little brother? Try to redeem his soul?"

"You can't redeem him. No one can do that but him. But he needs a shepherd."

"He has his mother," Kaila looked down. "He has the girl. They keep calling her the last Jedi. Master Skywalker was so self-important, he ignored the rest of us..."

"That's _Ezra_ talking. He and Luke had their problems." Kanan tilted up Kaila's chin. "I saw the destruction of the Jedi. For nearly sixty years the Force has tried to recover from the chaos. It's finally healing but the only way the Jedi will truly be revived is if the rifts are repaired. If those that use the Force can band together."

"If Master Skywalker's protege is so powerful, give her the responsibility! Maybe she'll have some luck. It's obvious Ben is in love with her. Isn't that supposed to be what redeems?"

"She's too close to it all," Kanan responded. "Ben needs to change for _him_. Not for the girl. Not for his mother. Being around them will create expectations." He smiled. "Not to mention the girl is young and as volatile as Ben. She need to finds a path a much as he does. You already know yours."

Kaila looked towards the cockpit. "My path's just open space."

"Open space will be good for him. He needs to get a little lost in the galaxy before he can find his way."


	3. Takodana: Sanctuary

**Chapter 3**  
 **Takodana: Sanctuary**

Ben awoke with a jolt, blinking with surprise when he found himself somewhere quiet. He had actually managed to fall asleep. It felt like forever since he'd gotten any sleep. Even with his argument with Kaila, maybe his mind knew- deep down- that he was away from the First Order. That he didn't have to be at high alert.

He didn't trust other people to be around him while he slept. Not since he'd woken up to Luke standing over him with a lightsaber. He trusted Kaila, but only because she made her disgust of him so overt. She wouldn't try to kill him while he was unaware. She would want him to know she was doing it and she would tell him exactly why she was doing it.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He had actually done it. He had left. He wasn't out of danger... Nowhere close to it. But he had at least gotten away from the _Finalizer_. He would work everything else out in time.

He felt a tug in his heart. He hadn't felt that sensation in weeks. He looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rey. But as soon as he'd felt it, it faded.

She was thinking of him. He closed his eyes. "Rey... It's all right..."

There was no answer on her end. He scowled and got out of bed. He pulled on his robes and stormed into the common area.

Kaila was holding a plate in one hand, a cup in the other. She gave him a nod. "Morning. There's still some caf in the galley. There are also some more panna cakes that you can warm up. Sorry the selection is thin. Once we make landfall, I'm going to replenish the stores."

Ben blinked, shaking his head slowly.

Kaila frowned. "Panna Cakes. You know... Little round things? Put some bantha butter and carbosyrup on them?"

"I don't eat things like that," Kylo snapped. "What's the point?"

"Um, nutrition?" Kaila took a bite of her food. She chewed and then swallowed it. "Avoiding starvation?"

"Protein paste is more efficient," Kylo replied.

"But it tastes like hull caulk." Kaila crinkled her nose. She gestured her mug towards the galley. "I mean, if you really want some, there's some in the emergency ration kits. Bottom cupboard to the right."

Ben took a step towards the galley and then paused. His brow furrowed. "Why are you being nice to me?"

"Because this is my second cup of caf?"

Ben turned. "Last night, you were ready to drop me off on the nearest asteroid. This morning, you're offering me breakfast."

"Yeah well..." Kaila took a deep sip of her caf. "I had some time to think about it. And well, right now I don't have any crew working for me. I could use a second set of hands, even if those hands are stained with the blood of the innocent. So you can... Stay on board. If you want."

Ben opened his mouth, but couldn't think of anything to say in response. He closed his mouth and just stared at Kaila.

She shrugged. "Besides, if worse came to worse, I could turn you in. News of your desertion has hit the Holonet. There's a bounty on your head: Two million credits, dead or alive. Highest bounty in history. Your father would be proud if you hadn't killed him."

"You would do that?" Ben asked warily.

Kaila sneered. "Of course I wouldn't. That would be giving the First Order what they want and I don't like doing that." She sat down at the table with her plate. "So if you've got that big a bounty on you, the smartest thing to do is stay on the move. And like I said... I could use the help."

"So what's your plan from here?"

Kaila ate another piece of panna cake and chewed thoughtfully. "The first thing we need to do is refuel. I burned off our supply pretty well getting away from the _Finalizer_. We also need information."

"Like what?" Ben cocked his head in question.

"Think, kid. Or are you just planning to fight your way across the galaxy?" She paused. "That is what you're thinking, isn't it?" She sighed. "We need to know _where_ the First Order is looking for you. Who they're sending out. Is it just bounty hunters, or are your Knights of Ren willing to turn against you? What the Rebellion is doing with the news of your desertion? We need to know where it's safe for us to go."

"And just where are we going to do all of this?"

Kaila rose from her seat, leaving her empty plate. She took a sip of her caf as she walked back towards the cockpit. "Hopefully, you haven't made her too angry."

* * *

"Takodana," Ben said as the Ghost began its landing sequence onto the rubble-ridden platform.

Kaila leaned over and flipped switches. "Yeah. There's no better place in the galaxy for us to lay low, supply the ship, find out what we need to know and maybe make a deal with some low lives for the munitions your boys confiscated from me."

"The last time I was on Takodana, I bombed the oldest castle on the planet."

"I heard." Kaila finished the landing sequence, the ship landing with just a small jolt. She turned to Ben and gave him a tight smile. "Probably wise for you to not do that this time. You also might want to apologize."

"Maybe it's wiser to go somewhere else." Memories of the last time he had been on the planet came flooding back to him. The first time he laid eyes on Rey had been on that planet.

"Where do you suggest?" Kaila asked. "Takodana has been a neutral world for hundreds of years. After your troops thrashed it, they don't see it as a threat. Besides, we really need to fuel up."

She slipped out of her chair and stood, stretching. Her brown leather clothing rippled. She pointed to Ben's black robes. "If we're going to be going under the radar, those clothes really aren't going to work?"

Ben looked down at himself. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Kaila rolled her eyes. "You look like a Sith Lord."

Ben looked away, gesturing towards Kaila. "You don't exactly seem to be dressed for covertness."

Kaila looked down at herself. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Ben glanced over at Kaila's bare green stomach. "You draw attention."

Kaila snapped her fingers so Ben looked up at her. "You would be surprised at how covert looking good is. I get into some trouble... Witnesses need to be asked..." She gestured downwards towards her bust. "About half can't describe what my face looks like."

Ben glanced at Kaila's bosom, blushed and looked away quickly. "You're shameless."

"I take advantage of what I have. Twi'lek women are written off as mindless sex objects. Humans- especially human males- are pretty disgusting that way. All good looking, green-skinned aliens look the same to them."

"All I have are robes," Ben pointed out. "Your clothes would probably just draw more attention to me."

Kaila strode out of the cockpit. She came back a few minutes later, carrying a pile of clothes. "My last boyfriend left these here. He was about your size. You'll fit right in." She thrust the clothes into Ben's hands.

Ben picked up the black vest on the top of the pile. He shook his head. "I can't wear these."

"It's either that or get sent back to the First Order," Kaila pointed out. "You're a recognizable guy. You led the First Order, have a huge facial scar and are wanted for two million credits... We can't do anything about those, but we can at least change your clothes."

Scowling, Ben headed back to his quarters. He stripped out of his robes and stood in the middle of the room, just in his undergarments. He looked over the clothes. They were simple Corellian wear: white shirt, black vest, blue pants. A red stripe ran up the sides of the pants. Kaila's former boyfriend had been military.

When Ben was young, he asked his father if he could dress like him. He had wanted to wear a bloodstripe. Han had explained to him how wearing a bloodstripe without earning it was dangerous. If you were discovered doing so, you could be killed.

Ben pulled on the pants. He had a death warrant anyway. A sartorial mistake was hardly the worst thing he had done. Once he was finished donning the clothes, he glanced in the small mirror mounted to the wall and sighed.

He looked like his father.

Ben noticed a small tie on the table and picked it up, using it to tie back his hair. With the exception of his scar, he looked like a different person.

A different person. Not Kylo Ren.

He was Ben Solo.

He stepped out of the quarters, walking down the corridor to the ramp. Kaila had put it down. She looked over at him. "Hey, look at that! It suits you."

Ben adjusted his vest, longing for the comfortable familiarity of his black robes. "Maybe I should stay on the ship."

"Just keep your head down and if there's any trouble..." Kaila sighed, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe I have to say this, but don't kill anyone. If worse comes to worse, use Force persuasion."

Ignoring his bad feeling, Ben followed after Kaila out of the ship into the ruins around Nymeve Lake. Despite the carnage, the area seemed to be recovering. Makeshift tents were set up, traders dealing out of them. Ben looked down, covering his face with his hand. He was sure there were plenty of degenerates who would have turned him over to the First Order for a half credit, let alone two million.

Ben felt the Force. It was growing the closer and closer he and Kaila got to the largest of the tents. He reached out and grabbed Kaila by her long, brown coat. "We have enough fuel to go somewhere else."

"Just relax, Ben," Kaila tried to pry Ben's fingers off of her clothes.

"We can at least go to another town," Ben suggested. "Somewhere a bit less... Destroyed."

Kaila pulled back the flap of the tent of Ben was hit with the full power that was emating. It was like nothing he'd felt before. There were many creatures milling around. But that wasn't what Ben was focusing on. It was the power.

It was coming from one specific spot. It was very small.

A hand raised, waving dismissively at the surrounding creatures. "Out. Everyone."

Everyone quickly scattered. Ben watched the rush out the front of the tent. When he looked back, Kaila had moved out of the way.

He was exposed. He was open.

She was so tiny, her skin a burnt orange. She leaned in towards him. "Kylo Ren isn't welcome here."

Kaila stepped toward. "Maz, it's complica-"

The small creature- Maz- pinched fingers and thumb together, gesturing for Kaila to shut up. She got up and walked straight to Ben. She grabbed him by the vest, tugging him down with surprising strength. Ben allowed her, kneeling down in front of her. Maz adjusted her goggles, making her black eyes look huge behind the glass.

"Kylo Ren isn't welcome here... But you're not Kylo Ren, are you?"

Ben opened his mouth, unsure how to respond to that.

"Oh boy... You've made some mistakes, haven't you?" She cocked her head. "What happened here is barely anything compared to the devastation in your heart."

Ben still couldn't find the words to respond to Maz. She didn't seem bothered by this, turning to Kaila. "You know the rules. You can stay here one night free. After that you'll have to earn your keep." Her knowing gaze focused on Ben once again. "And there is much he can pay for."


	4. Takodana: Rebuilding

**Chapter 4**  
 **Takodana: Rebuilding**

Takodana was a beautiful planet. Ben had never taken much time to appreciate such things since he'd gone to Snoke. In fact, he'd done his best to ignore such things as beauty.

That had changed the moment he'd set eyes on the scavenger girl trying to fire laser bolts at him. All of the walls he had built up around the things Ben Solo had appreciated and Kylo Ren wasn't supposed to slowly began to crumble.

Not only was Takodana beautiful, it was powerful. Ben couldn't believe he hadn't noticed the power emanating from the planet when he had been there last. True, he had been incredibly busy, but such an overwhelming strength should have stood out to him. It was not just Maz Kanata. She was strong in the Force without a doubt, but the planet itself exuded energy.

They had been on the planet for three days. They were supplied enough they could have moved on, but Kaila didn't seem in a rush to leave and Ben wasn't rushed to prod her along. No one had come looking for them there yet. The energy of the planet seemed to calm Ben. There was no better sign of that then the fact he'd been thinking of himself as Ben almost exclusively since they landed.

He was in the forest. Where he and Rey had first met. The trees were scarred with laser bolts. He knelt down on the ground and touched a boot print in the dirt. They were so small. He remembered passing his hand over Rey's face, making her faint into his arms.

"Rey..." He called out, his voice low and rough.

There was no response. He sighed deeply.

"Tell my mother something."

There was a tug at his heart and he blinked. There was Rey, standing in front of him. Ben felt his breath catch as he looked at her. Her hair was tied back in a simple, singular bun. She was dressed like she had been on _Supremacy_ , but lacking the gauzy fabric. It was more utilitarian that before. Even if she hadn't changed her dress, he could see it in her face. She had hardened.

Rey may have looked upset at his presence, but she had still engaged their bond. "You need to stop doing..." She blinked, cocking her head at him. Her gaze drifted over him. He hadn't seen her look so taken aback by his appearance since they'd bonded while he was in the midst of undressing.

Ben tugged at his vest. Even though he had opportunity to find other clothes in Takodana, he hadn't bothered. His hand then drifted up to his face, rubbing at the scruff that had developed on his chin. "It's different."

Rey nodded. "Yes." She averted her eyes. "What do you want? It can't be just to show me..." She waved her hand at him. "This."

"My mother." Ben felt the lump in his throat. "Can you tell her... She should know... I wasn't the one who shot the bridge."

Rey looked up. "What?"

"I felt her. When my team was attacking her ship. I was going to shoot, but I felt her... And I... Didn't. But then my wingman shot. I thought she was dead, but I heard she's alive. I _need_ her to know it _wasn't me_."

Rey blinked. Once. Twice. "Do you really think it matters?"

"Of course it does!" Ben cried.

"You sent your wingman there," Rey explained. "And all of the others. You didn't fire, but you were the reason the person who did was there."

Ben looked down. Rey was right. Of course she was right. He might as well have done it. "I just..."

"I'll tell her," Rey said softly. "I think she'd like to know." There was a moment's pause. "It's true, isn't it? The rumors. You've left the First Order."

Ben didn't reply. He didn't look back up. He didn't want to look into Rey's soft brown eyes. "The First Order will be focusing on me, but they were going to put a bounty on you too. They may have done it already."

"Where are you?" Rey asked. "Come here. Tell your mother yourself. If you've left..."

"It doesn't mean I've left to join yo- the Resistance," Ben insisted. He shook his head, staring down at the boot prints they had left not all that long ago. "I can't go back. It's too late."

"I thought that too," Rey replied. "But if you're doing this. If you've left... If you care what your mother thinks of you... It can't be."

"Tell her I'm glad she's not dead," Ben murmured. With that, he closed off the Force Bond.

He hadn't closed it off himself before. Had Rey felt that sick feeling when she'd done it? Like intentionally severing a limb?

He kicked away the boot prints with his foot and started to walk back to Maz's wrecked castle.

Kaila was standing amongst the rubble. Her hands were outstretched and her lekku twitched slightly. Rocks were floating up around her, pushing back into place.

Ben stood back and just watched as Kaila carefully reconstructed the castle using the Force. Bit by bit, pieces were put back into place. He could see her body tense as she strained, the cracks in the rock reforming.

"She was on Lothal when this happened."

Ben looked down at Maz. He was normally so aware of his surroundings it was difficult for someone to sneak up on him, but Maz had been remarkably stealthy. "She had no part in this destruction. But she tries to repair it."

Ben wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. Did Maz want him to say he was sorry? If he started doing that, he wouldn't be able to stop. Besides, most of what he had done as Kylo Ren was far beyond any sort of apology.

"Do you know why she fixes this place?"

"Because that's what good people do," Ben finally managed to find his voice. "Kaila is a good person. She doesn't want you to be without a home."

"Oh child, if I want to leave, I could. I have other worlds, other castles. She fixes it out of respect. Before the First Order and the Resistance... Before the Empire and the Rebellion... Before the Republic... Before even me... A great battle happened here. The Jedi and the Sith fought. That power scarred this planet. This castle was built as a monument to that battle."

Ben arched a brow. "And you turned it into a den of thieves and rogues."

"Better than turning it into rubble," Maz shot back. "She sees what it was. And knows no matter how much it has fallen, there is still value in it. It may seem too hard, too much trouble... But it is _worth saving_."

Ben looked back at Kaila. He then looked to Maz. He heard a noise of distress from Kaila. She was shaking and the rocks were starting to falter. He raced forward and grabbed her wrist, closing his eyes and reaching out with the Force.

He could feel every molecule of the rocks. Lifting them up and letting the Force guide them into place, knitting them back together. He let out a shaking breath with the strain.

"What are you doing?" He could barely hear Kaila's question.

"Take a break." Ben released her wrist and reached out. "I can handle this."

He remembered his very first lesson with his uncle. It must have been nearly twenty years ago. Luke had him lifting pebbles. Of course, Ben had already been moving many things with his mind before that. Luke had told him to feel everything. The Force flowed through everything.

He cringed as he saw the blaster bolts cutting through the rock, the ships crashing into the castle. He saw Rey terrified as her attacker- him- reached out a black gloved hand to her. He reached further still, seeing the Jedi fighting the Sith. He saw a woman with rusty brown hair and fierce blue-green eyes. She was leading the charge into battle. He saw a lightsaber in a box, a delicate hand reaching towards it.

 _These are your first steps..._

"Ben! _BEN!_ "

Ben blinked opened his eyes. He looked down at Kaila. "What's wrong?"

Kaila was wide-eyed. "You're kidding right?"

"What's going on?"

Kaila pointed towards the castle. Ben looked to it and saw how much progress they'd made. Maz might even be able to stay within it. "What's wrong with that?"

"You've been working on it for three hours. You haven't _moved_."

"Oh." Ben suddenly noticed how weary he felt. His limbs were aching. "I lost track of time."

"I've been calling your name for an hour. I was about to smack you." Kaila shook her head. "You don't have to do this all now."

Ben nodded and took a step. His feet faltered and Kaila caught him. She squeaked. "Kriff, you're built like a Bantha! Don't work yourself to exhaustion. I can barely carry you without the Force. You're not seven anymore."

Ben pushed himself away, standing up straight. "I was just a bit tired."

"Not surprising." Kaila led him back towards the Ghost. "Come on, not only is Maz letting us stay another night, she arranged for some dinner to be brought to the ship. A little thank you for what you just did."

"You're the one who started it." Ben dragged himself into the ship. He collapsed onto the seats in the lounge. Kylo was ashamed at how tired he felt. Snoke would have lambasted him for his weakness.

Kaila hopped onto the seat next to him. "But you really did a lot. That's really something, Ben. You should be proud."

"It wouldn't have to be fixed if I hadn't destroyed it," Ben pointed out.

"Yeah, well... You're fixing it now. You can't dwell. Otherwise, you won't be able to move forward."

"She's right, you know." Maz stepped in carrying a dish. "What is it you told Rey? Let the past die?"

Kylo jumped to his feet. "How do you know that?" He reached for his lightsaber, ready to wield it at the tiny woman

"You're not the only one who speaks to Rey," Maz strode in. "You've got her very turned around. She's so confused about you. If only she knew how confused you were about yourself."

Ben let go of the hilt of his lightsaber when the scent of the food hit his nose. He ignored the comment about Rey, focusing on the aroma. "That's stewed kebroot."

Maz pushed past him, walking to the galley. "It is."

Ben followed after her. "That's my mother's favorite."

"Yours too, if Kaila is to be believed."

Ben looked back at Kaila, who was slinking in behind him. He was surprised she remembered... Or even cared. "I haven't had it in years. Not since before I went off with..."

"Your uncle," Kaila finished. "I thought so. Considering how you went on about protein paste. I thought it might be good for you to remember what actual food tastes like."

Ben closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of the food. That aroma took him back to his parents' apartment. Sitting with them and eating together. His parents were so busy, but they tried to find the time to eat together at least once a week. His father learned to cook stewed kebroot for his mother's birthday and their anniversary.

"Ben?" Kaila's voice broke through his thoughts.

Ben opened his eyes. He hadn't allowed himself to think about that in years.

Maz nodded at him knowingly. "When you let go of the past, you let go of the _bad_ of the past. But use the good to move you forward."


	5. Takodana: Advice

**Chapter 5 Takodana**  
 **Advice**

Ben watched as Kaila turned over in her bunk. He leaned on his hands, sitting in the chair across from her.

Kaila's eyes suddenly snapped open. She jolted upright. "Ben, what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you." He leaned in closer. He noticed her lekku moving. He peered over her shoulder and scowled. "That's rude."

Kaila groaned. "You still remember Twi'leki." She scrubbed her face with her hands. "You would think with your history, you would understand people not wanting to wake up with someone hanging over them."

"That's not funny."

"It wasn't meant to be." Kaila sighed. "What's going on?"

"I was thinking. About what Rey said to me." His conversation with her through the Force Bond had been weighing heavily on him. Not only had they spoken about troubling things, but just the fact that she was willing to talk to him. What did that mean? Did she really mean it when she said she wanted him to come to her?

Kaila sniffed and rubbed her forehead. "You woke me up for advice about your girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend!" Ben insisted.

"Well, the last time you woke me up in the middle of the night it was to talk about that Hapan girl you were sweet on." Kaila still looked weary. "Besides, if you're thinking about a conversation you had a month ago..."

Ben shook his head. "No. We spoke yesterday."

"What?" Kaila jumped out of her bunk. "Ben, you contacted the Rebellion _yesterday_? We have to be careful about communication. We don't know what channels the First Order is listening in on. We have codes and subwave frequencies..." She shook her head slowly. "None of which you should know. _How_ did you contact Rey?"

"Not... Through communications relays," Ben admitted. He hadn't told anyone about his Force Bond with Rey. How many people had Rey told? It felt wrong to tell anyone about it. Dirty. Snoke had known because he'd created it and Luke had known because he'd seen them together, but they were dead.

But he'd asked Kaila for her advice. "Rey and I can... There's a thing... Snoke created it. We can talk. See each other. Like we're in the same room together and there's nothing else but us."

"A Force Bond."

Ben felt the heat rise in his cheeks and looked down. He was right. It felt dirty to be talking about it. "You could call it that."

Kaila sat back down on the edge of her bunk. "You say she's not your girlfriend... But you have a powerful Force Bond with her. Powerful enough that you can have conversations and see each other no matter how far away you are from each other?"

Ben nodded.

Kaila shoulders slumped and she looked up at the ceiling. "I'm stuck with the stupidest genocidal maniac in the galaxy."

Kylo growled, raising his hand. The urge to crush her windpipe was strong. He just needed to reach out with the Force. "I've killed people for less."

Kaila glared back at him, fire in her blue eyes. "And I'm betting you didn't come to their bunk at 0300 to talk about girl problems. The rest of the galaxy might be shaking with fear over the great and terrifying Kylo Ren, but do you know what I see?" She pointed at him. "The same shab who tried to act tough, but was really just a skinny little kid who couldn't say two words to a girl he liked." She cocked her head as she looked him over, scratching her lekku. "Just more muscular now. _A lot_ more muscular, actually. Is that all you did while you were with the First Order? Just lift weights?"

Ben slumped down in his chair. "Why do you do this?"

"I can appreciate a good fitness regime," Kaila shrugged.

"No. Talk to me like this." Kaila's lekku moved. He remembered clearly what she was signing. He shook his head. "I'm not your little brother anymore."

"You don't choose family," Kaila insisted. "Family chooses you. Even if they try to take over the galaxy. It doesn't change who you are to me. Or to your parents. Or to this Rey. The Force binds everyone together, but it binds some people closer. I called you stupid because you actually believe Snoke created the Force Bond between you and Rey. He didn't. Maybe he manipulated it... But you can't create a Force Bond. It happens because the Force wills it. Parent and child. Siblings. Master and Padawan. And... If the Force has joined you and Rey... And so powerfully..."

"You really think I'm in love with her?" Ben asked quietly.

"I knew you were in love with her even before you mentioned your bond. A man doesn't bisect his master over a woman he only have lukewarm feelings for." She smiled softly. "And a woman doesn't deliver herself into the stronghold of her enemy to save the soul of a man she doesn't care aboutn."

Ben's breath caught in his throat. "You really think that?"

"I know you like to pretend I'm a sexless blob, but I do understand women. If she didn't care about you, she'd shut you out."

"She asked me to come to her... Come to the Resistance." Ben wrung his hands. "I told her no."

"That's for the best."

Ben looked up. "You were ready to deliver me to them."

Kaila sighed. "That was when I was trying to get rid of you. Before I was willing to admit what you need. You can't go back just for her. Love is the most powerful thing in the galaxy... But it doesn't erase everything you've done. It doesn't magically make you the person you need to be. And I think you know that. That's why you said no. You want to be worthy of her love."

Ben reached a trembling hand up to his cheek, brushing his fingers over his face. Why were they damp? "How am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know." Kaila smiled. "But I look forward to seeing it, Little Brother."

* * *

Ben knew he'd been deep in the Force again. It was easy for him to lose track of the world around him. He knew the name of the woman he'd seen in his vision: Nomi Sunrider. He also knew the person she'd faced in battle: Ulic Qel-Droma. He had been a Jedi who joined the Sith. Before his fall, they had been lovers.

It was obvious why the Force had shown him the vision. It wasn't just because he was at this place. The Force was showing him another Jedi who had fallen. And if Ben remembered his history and it wasn't just wishful thinking, a Jedi who returned to the light after his fall.

When Ben finally opened his eyes and looked at the castle, he smiled. It was still broken down, but every day Maz's castle looked more and more as it had before he'd launched his assault on it.

He rose on slightly shaking feet to walk back towards the _Ghost_. He stopped short when he noticed it was no longer on the landing platform. He looked around frantically, feeling a mixture of confusion and betrayal bubbling up inside of him.

"She told me to tell you she'll be back tomorrow," Maz said behind him. "She didn't want to bother you while you were in your trance."

"Where has she gone?" Ben demanded.

"She has responsibilities. Ones she is putting aside for you . The least you can do is allow her to fulfill already made promises." Maz grabbed Ben by the bottom of his vest. "Come with me."

Ben allowed Maz to pull him back towards the castle. "Where are we going?"

"You'll stay with me tonight. You've done enough work I can stay in my home." Maz raised her hands as they approached the large doors and they opened to her will.

The bar was empty, but it was mostly repaired. Ben had been focusing on the outside structure. Either Maz or Kaila must have done the inside. "Are you a Jedi, Maz?"

Maz let go of Ben's vest and waved her hand dismissively. She patted the stool by the bar and walked behind it. "There were many types of Force users in the galaxy at one time. Master Yoda tried to convince me to follow the ways of the Jedi... But I was never much for rules." She grabbed a bottle behind the bar and two glasses. She set one in front of Ben and poured some of the amber liquid from the bottle in.

Ben just stared at the drink, his brow furrowed.

"Well?"

Ben shook his head. "I don't drink."

"Are you sure you're Han Solo's son?"

"No one in the galaxy will let me forget it." Ben picked up the glass and sniffed it. He wrinkled his his nose and took a drink. He immediately spat it out.

Maz shook her head, tsking softly.

Ben blushed and stared down into the glass. He was quietly for a long time, just idly turning the glass with his hand. Finally, he spoke. "You know a lot about Jedi history, don't you?"

"I know a lot about a lot of history."

Ben cleared his throat. "Do you know about Ulic Qel-Droma?"

Maz moved her goggles away from her eyes. "It would show you him, wouldn't it?"

"So you know about him?"

Maz nodded. "I do."

Ben took another sip of his drink. This time, he was able to keep it down. "What can you tell me?"

Maz peered over the bar at the lightsaber on Ben's hip. "Your lightsaber. The crystal is cracked. How did that happen?"

Ben clutched at the hilt of his lightsaber.

"It's the same lightsaber, isn't it? The one you built when you were your Uncle's apprentice?"

Ben's fingers tightened further. He nodded his head.

"Bleeding a crystal is dangerous. It can drive a person mad. The crystal can try to destroy itself rather than turn to the dark."

Ben's hand started to shake. His fingers barely grazed the cracked crystal of his lightsaber. It was warm to the touch. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Every day, you repair this castle. You stitch the rocks back together like they were never broken. But you leave that lightsaber like that."

Ben looked down at his lightsaber. "A kyber crystal isn't the same thing as the rock in this place."

"I supposed it's not. The rock here doesn't mean anything. That-" Maz nodded towards Ben's lightsaber. "Means something much deeper. You know the Guardians of the Whills used to have a saying: The strongest stars have hearts of kyber."

Ben swallowed hard.

"They translated from the ancient texts incorrectly... It's supposed to say that the strongest _souls_ have hearts of kyber."

* * *

Kaila beamed as she stepped off the ramp of the Ghost and looked at Poe Dameron. "Look at you, Commander. So is it a promotion, a repromotion or an un-demotion?"

"Glad there's still someone out there helping us," Poe sighed. "You're later than we thought. Hope you didn't get into too much trouble."

"You would be surprised." Kaila walked alongside Poe towards the base. "Is there someone who can unload the cargo? I need to see the General and I can't stay long."

"Are you sure you can't stay? We could really use your help."

"You're getting help. Just... Not the way you expect it." She smiled at him. "Besides, you hardly need my help. I heard what you did to that dreadnaught. By the Force, I could kiss you on the mouth."

"Wouldn't be the first time," Poe leered at her. "You still with what's his name? Dummy Fel?"

" _Doman_ Fel. We broke up right after I saw you last. I'm surprised you're not with the stormtrooper yet." Kaila stopped in front of the door to the base and turned to face Poe. "You seemed pretty smitten with him the last time I was dropping off cargo. And who can resist the great Poe Dameron?"

"Apparently a stormtrooper. He's not interested in me like that. He's been getting cosy with one of our technicians." Poe leaned in. "Maybe you can mend my broken heart."

"Told you... I can't stay long." She grinned. "I could tell Doman to call you. I know you like to make fun of him, but you'd actually really like him if you met him."

Poe cocked his head. "Come on, it's been tense lately. I could really use some time to unwind. You're saying you don't?"

Kaila laughed. "Oh, you don't even _know_. Tell you what... Next time I make a drop, if you haven't charmed your way into some lieutenant's arms, I'll make sure I can stick around for a little while."

"I'll hold you to that."

"You better. Now go unload my cargo."

"I outrank you."

"And still you'll do it anyway."

Poe scowled. "Are you using Jedi powers on me?"

Kaila shook her head. "No, the power of promising to soothe your libido."

Poe rolled his eyes and nodded. "Just this once. Only because I've never seen anyone so keen to tell the General why they're late."

He opened the door to the base. Kaila walked down the corridor. She'd only been to the base once before, since the Rebellion had resettled on Cataalda shortly after the Battle of Crait. She knew there was only one place General Organa would be. It was the place she spent most of her waking hours.

There was only one other person in the War Room. She was a small slip of a girl, with dark brown hair tied back in a severe bun. Kaila took a sharp intake of breath at her presence. She had no idea who this girl was, but Kaila _knew_.

"I'm surprised Commander Dameron didn't keep you occupied for longer," Leia said without even turning around.

"Not for lack of trying. It's good to see you again, General."

Leia turned around. "Captain, this is..."

"I know who she is." Kaila nodded. "Hello Rey."

Rey's mouth gaped open, her eyes widening.

"Rey, I've told you about Kaila Syndulla. If the Jedi are to reform, you two need to talk." Leia touched Kaila's arm to lead her to Rey.

Kaila shook her head, holding back. "I'm afraid I can't do that right now. I wish you all the luck in the galaxy in reforming the Jedi. I'll help you where I can. With his isolation, there are more of us than Master Skywalker was aware. Hopefully, Master Bridger is..." She looked to Leia.

"I received their weekly communication yesterday. Nothing more than the code to tell me they're still alive, but... They're still out there. I wish they'd finish with Thrawn. We really need them."

Kaila looked down, unable to meet Leia's eyes. "I thought I would build up to this a bit more before... But I suppose now is as good a time as any. Rey, what you're doing is admirable, but I can't help right now. I've taken a Padawan."

"You could train a Padawan _with_ Rey," Leia pointed out. "Master Bridger trained alongside Luke for years. I know they had a misunderstanding, but we need to stick together."

Kaila shook her head. "In this case, I don't think that's appropriate."

"Why not?"

"It's _Ben_ , Leia." Kaila finally looked up and met Leia's heartbroken gaze. She sighed. "It's why I'm late with the shipment. I was boarded by the _Finalizer_. I was there when Ben defected. I helped him leave. And now I'm helping him... Find himself."

Leia stumbled backwards until she found a seat. She lowered herself into it. "I thought the bounty... What Ben said to Rey... I thought it might all be a trick."

"It's not." Kaila looked over at Rey. Her own face was marred by heartbreak, but different than Leia's. Kaila shook her head sadly. "He couldn't come to you. Not with this."

"Why not?"

"Because you make him feel too much."

Leia now looked at Rey. The girl's face had gone red. Leia blinked. "You told me about the Bond. Why didn't you tell me..."

"I didn't think there was anything to say." Her voice was very quiet.

"But there is?"

"I don't know." Rey looked down.

"Ben's really not sure either. Not entirely." Kaila sighed. "And uncertainty is dangerous. So is pulling someone from the Dark Side. If you're looking for other Force Sensitives, he _can't_ be around them. You'll help, both of you... More than you know. But he can't be here." She rubbed her throat, remembering her first encounter with Kylo Ren. "He's not safe yet."

Leia stood up. "You can't do this alone."

Kaila shook her head. "I'm not."


	6. Takodana: Choices

**Chapter 6**  
 **Takodana: Choices**

Kaila stared down at the tall, muscular body lying in the foetal position on the floor of Maz's bar. She then looked to Maz. "You got the Supreme Leader of the First Order, the head of the Knight's of Ren, the fearsome Jedi Killer... Drunk out of his mind."

"He was a lightweight." Maz waved her hand dismissively.

Kaila crouched down beside Ben. "Ben... Hey Ben."

Ben opened his eyes blearily.

"Wakey wakey," Kaila kept her voice low. "How are you feeling?"

Ben stuck his tongue out, gagging. "Like I swallowed nerf fur." He grabbed his forehead, grimacing.

Kaila helped him sit up. "Maz, why did you let him do this to himself?"

"He might not be a Jedi, but he's a Force User, isn't he?" Maz strode back towards the bar. "He should have been able to use the Force to stop himself from getting drunk."

" _Now_ you tell me?" Ben growled before cringing again and crumpling in on himself. He groaned. "I was exhausted from fixing up _your_ castle."

"That _you_ wrecked. Besides, you're half Corellian! I didn't even know Corellians could get drunk." Maz shook her head. She began to clean up the bar, muttering to herself. "You come in here getting mad at me, but I'm the one who had to listen to him all night talking about the girl. Some of the worst poetry I've ever heard..."

Ben groaned and began to heave. Kaila lugged him up, bearing nearly his full weight. She swore under her breath, leading him towards the fresher. She helped him lean over the waste disposal unit. Her lekku twitched as he began to vomit. "I can't believe I gave up a night in Poe's bunk for this."

Ben sat up, wiping his mouth. "What was that?"

"Nothing." Kaila shook her head. She tousled Ben's hair. "I'm starting to understand why the Council frowned on Padawans drinking."

Ben glowered, smoothing down his hair. "I'm not a Padawan."

Kaila sighed. "Hangovers are awful, but it's good for you to get over it naturally. Teach you not to do it again. At least that's what Ezra always used to tell me."

"Did it work?"

Kaila shook her head. "Not really."

Ben gagged again. "Why my parents trusted me to you I'll never understand..."

"You were always glad they did." She cringed when Ben began to throw up again. "I'll be right back."

She ran out of the fresher, going back to the bar. She leaned over and grabbed a glass. She glared at Maz.

"What?" Maz asked accusingly. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I was gone less than a day and this happened. Did you really think something to loosen the inhibitions of a Dark Sider attempting to redeem himself was a good idea?"

Maz waved Kaila away. "The world still spins and this castle still stands, thanks to that boy's efforts. Don't give me trouble just because you've decided you're not done babysitting him."

Kaila scowled and turned away, jogging back to the fresher. She walked in, grimacing. "You're going to feel pretty bad this morning. But I'd resist the urge to purge it with the Force." She got water from the sink and handed it to Ben.

Ben took it. "Why is that?"

"It builds character."

Ben took a sip of water. "Where did you go?"

"I told you... I was making a delivery to the Rebellion. But then your Star Destroyer boarded me. Maz has been helping me get the supplies your friends confiscated. The Rebellion really needed them. I was already late."

"You could have told me," Ben groused. He took another gulp of water.

"I'm not going to leave you," Kaila assured him. "I just thought it was better I go without telling you... So you didn't come with..."

"Why shouldn't I come with?" Ben groaned and leaned against the wall, eyes closed.

"She's pretty. And powerful. I can see why you like her."

Ben opened his eyes. "Rey?"

Kaila nodded. "I spoke to her and your mother. About you. About what we're doing. Not all the details... The less people who know the better. But the basics."

"What are the basics?" Ben asked.

"I've taken you as my Padawan learner."

"I don't need to be a Padawan." Ben groaned and let his head loll. "I went through training already."

Kaila leaned in to him. "You've spent years being corrupted. You need to relearn everything. As far as I can tell, there are about three people in the galaxy who could teach you. One of them is Force knows where, fighting a maniac... One of them is utterly enamoured with you and thus not really appropriate to train you... And then there's me."

"What if I don't want to be a Jedi?" Ben asked.

"You don't have to." Kaila sighed. "But don't you?"

Ben met Kaila's gaze. "I don't know what I want. Even you-" he pointed at her. "Standing there. Half the time I want to crush your windpipe just to get rid of the reminder of who I was."

"And the other half?"

"I don't understand. Why you would want to train me. Why Rey spends a moment of time thinking about me. Everything I've done... I killed my father. I've driven the Jedi to the point of extinction. I've massacred villages. I helped destroyed a Star System. I don't deserve mercy or friendship or love. I deserve to die."

"That would be a lot easier, wouldn't it?" Kaila stood up.

Ben raised his head. "What?" His eyes widened.

Kaila took her lightsaber in her hand. She ignited it and pointed it at Ben. "If I were to bring this lightsaber down on you... You wouldn't have to worry anymore. There wouldn't be any conflict. You wouldn't have to face everything you've done. You wouldn't have to make up for it. There would be no hard work putting things back together. It would be dark, cold, empty and over. Dying is easy. It's the coward's way out."

She turned off the lightsaber. "That girl believes in you. She has given you the most precious thing she has: her heart. And you want to abandon her because you're feeling guilty about what you've done? Haven't you gotten angry at everyone you feel has abandoned you? And you want to do that to the woman you love?"

Ben rose to his feet. "I didn't say I was doing it!"

"Well stop _thinking_ it!" Kaila demanded. "This is where things get real, Ben. I'm not here right now as your babysitter or someone you kidnapped or even your 'big sister'. I'm here as a Jedi Knight. I'm offering to help you. To train you. To get that garbage Snoke filled you up with out of your head. You have three choices: One... You study as my Padawan and relearn the ways of the light side. Two... You stumble around the galaxy until you kill yourself or someone else. Three... You end it right now just to get it over it. So what do you choose?"

Ben closed his eyes and sighed. "It's not going to be easy to get rid of Kylo Ren."

"I told you... Dying's the easy choice." Kaila cocked her head towards the door. "Go back to the Ghost to sleep off your hangover. After that... We begin."

* * *

"So I'm going to have to catch a transport to Coruscant." Finn leaned over the mess hall table, whispering to Rey and Rose. "There's still a lot of anti-Imperial sentiment there and the First Order is the same thing, new name. The General thinks we can increase the ranks or at least stir up some sympathetic ties. Of course, that means I'm going to be away." He turned to look at Rose. "I know you're going to miss me, but you have to promise not to electrocute me to stop me from going away."

Rose smiled and rolled her eyes. "That joke never gets old, _Lieutenant_."

"I just know how distraught you get when I go away. But we've pledged ourselves to something greater than ourselves." Finn turned to Rey. "So since I'm going to Coruscant, I thought maybe instead of any old transport, we could go on the Falcon. It might be a good place for you to look for Force Sensitives. It's one of the most populated planets in the galaxy."

Rey looked over her shoulder, eyeing Poe as he headed out of mess along with Snap.

"Rey?"

"Huh?" Rey looked back. "What was that?"

"Coruscant." Finn repeated. "Recruitment mission. Are you in?"

"Oh." Rey shook her head. "Yeah, I'll think about it. I'll be right back. I need to... It's not a big deal. I just need to..."

"Rey, it's all right. I get it." Finn sighed.

Rey blinked. "Get what?"

"You don't have to be uncomfortable about it. Yes, I kind of... Was interested. But obviously there are things happening here." Finn gestured between himself and Rose. "So you don't need to be weird and awkward if you want to ask Poe out."

"I want to _what_?" Rey blinked again. "What makes you think that?"

"You've been looking at him all through dinner. And he's a very handsome man. Rose, isn't he a very handsome man?"

Rose nodded. "Very handsome."

"Charming too." Finn continued. "Not to mention brave and talented."

Rose frowned. "I'm starting to think you want to date him."

"If I was interested in guys, I would be lucky to have him." Finn said, wrapping an arm around Rose. "But as it is, I give you my blessing. Go to him, Rey."

Rey rose from her seat. "Thank you for the support, but that's not what I'm doing. It's... Jedi business."

"With Poe?" Finn frowned. "What kind of Jedi business could you have with Poe?"

"Don't worry about it." Rey felt her stomach sinking as she walked away from the table. She felt guilty not telling Finn and Rose more information. She'd kept everything about Ben so close to the chest. She's opened up to Maz about him, but that felt safe. She was so far away and didn't judge. She had been the one to put Rey on her path. The was a path that led to Ben.

Even her talk with Leia had been very brief. She stuck to the facts. She didn't want to complicate it with her confused emotions. Of course, now those confused emotions were out in the open, thanks to Kaila Syndulla.

Rey wasn't sure what to make of the other Jedi. Part of her was intrigued to know there was someone else out there. But Syndulla's hesitance to work with Rey- and her newly revealed proximity to Ben- filled Rey with anxiety.

"Poe!" Rey ran up to him. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure," Poe replied. He turned to Snap. "I'll catch up with you later. We've still got a lot of work to do on the new ships."

Snap nodded and walked off. Poe turned his attention back to Rey. "What's going on?"

"I just wanted to ask you about Kaila Syndulla."

" _Why?_ " Poe asked a little too quickly, a bit anxiously. "What have you heard?"

Rey blinked. "It's just she's a Jedi Knight. And there's not really a lot of us. Really, she's the only one I've heard of other than Master Bridger." She spoke slowly, uncertain about where she was going. "And well... I know you know her. I just wanted to ask if she was..." Asking if she was 'good' probably wasn't the best question. "I wanted to know what she was like."

Poe ruffled his hair. "She's flown for the Resistance for years, but prefers to stay on the outskirts. But she's good people. I've known her since we were kids. I mean, I know she's been hesitant to work with you, but after everything that happened, that's kind of to be expected. The only Jedi who survived the massacre at Master Skywalker's temple were the ones who left with Master Bridger. The Knights of Ren found and executed most of them. Master Bridger and Kai only survived because he trained during the time of the Empire. He was good at keeping a low profile. And reforming the Jedi with you doesn't seem very low profile."

Rey frowned. Most of what Poe was telling her she had been told by Leia already. It wasn't really what she was looking for. "You've known her since you were kids?"

Poe nodded. "Yeah. After my mom died, my dad started to reconnect with some of his old Rebel friends. They would bring their kids. General Syndulla and him bonded a lot. Kai's dad was killed in the Battle of Lothal, so they kind of understood each other. So Kai and I would hang out. You really don't have to worry. I mean, if you want me to convince her to work with you..." He smiled. "I might have some sway."

Rey was intrigued by something Poe had said, but it was quickly moving away from her initial line of questioning. "So your dad saw a lot of Rebel heroes when you were a kid. And you knew their kids..."

Poe nodded. "Yeah. Reb kids kind of had a special bond."

"Did you know Ben Solo?"

Poe's face went ashen. He grabbed Rey by the arm and pulled her into a corner. He leaned in very close. "Why are you asking me that?"

"What?" Rey swallowed hard. "It was just a question."

"You shouldn't ask about Ben Solo," Poe's voice was harder than Rey had ever heard it before. "Forget that name even exists."

Rey blinked up at Poe's furious face. "You know."

Poe released Rey's arm. "You know." He paused. "We're probably the one people outside of Leia's family who can say that. She doesn't like to talk about it. Understandably."

"The Holonet says he's defected." Rey didn't know how much she should share with Poe. The idea of telling him about the Force Bond seemed wrong. She was already feeling bad about telling Leia. "That he's on the run."

"And if he runs this way, I'll try shooting him again," Poe said darkly. "Yeah, I knew Ben. He was a quiet kid, but he was a troublemaker. I _liked_ him. I helped him cause trouble. But then I watched him cut down a man and order the death of a whole village. He tortured me for information. You were _there_ when he murdered his father."

Rey's insides squirmed. Everything Poe said was truthful. But it hurt to hear it. If Ben was truly starting to embrace the light side, he would never be able to come back to the Rebellion. There would always be people like Poe who couldn't see past what he'd done as Kylo Ren.

What would Poe think of her? Of the feelings she'd been having for Ben ever since the start of their Force Bond? "But I told you he killed Snoke."

"Because he wanted to take over. That's what Dark Siders do. They kill their Masters so that they can _be_ the Master."

Rey looked down. "I was... Just curious. You find out someone like Kylo Ren is... Who he is. And you want to understand it."

"There's nothing to understand," Poe insisted. "I don't know about the Force, but I know that there are some things you can't come back from. If the First Order wants him dead... I hope they find him."


	7. The Ghost: Full Scope

**Chapter 7**  
 **The Ghost: Full Scope**

Ben walked to the cockpit of the _Ghost_ , looking out in the starscape before them. "So why did we leave Takodana? Are you that mad that Maz got me drunk?"

"We got the supplies we needed, you did some good work on Maz's castle... It was time to move on." Kaila looked back over her shoulder. "Now that the castle is mostly repaired, more people are coming back. We could get spotted. It's smarter to keep moving. I mean wouldn't it be awful to spend all of this time fixing up Maz's castle only for the First Order to destroy it again trying to track you down?"

Kaila had a point, but Ben still regretted having to leave. Every day, he'd had more visions of Ulic Qel-Droma. It felt like the Force was trying to unveil the whole story to him. He hadn't told Kaila about it. Outside of asking Maz about the ancient Force Wielder, he hadn't said anything at all about his visions.

"Where are we going now?" Ben asked. "Are you going to take me to some other place I've destroyed?"

"Well there's no lack of those, is there?" Kaila flipped some switches and rose from the pilot's seat. "It'll do us some good to travel at sub-light for a while. Make sure we don't have a straight line trail to follow. Besides... I like space. Don't you?"

Ben looked out into the dark void once again. He took a deep breath. "It's so cold... And black... And empty."

"Go further," Kaila prodded him.

Ben closed his eyes. He felt the Force in the black and it connected to all of the planets around them... To all of the life on those planets... It wasn't empty. It was teeming with energy. He could feel them all. There was so much. There was too much. It threatened to overwhelm him.

Ben started to laugh. He wasn't sure at first why. He fell down into the co-pilot's seat, his body wracked with chuckles. He doubled over, clutching at his side.

"What's so funny?" Kaila asked. She sat back down in the pilot's seat.

"Everything..." Ben opened his eyes and looked out into the void once again. "I actually thought I could rule it? Me... Snoke... Darth Sidious... All of us are just so _tiny_. All of the things the Empire and the First Order did- _do_ \- to control the galaxy... And it's impossible. No one can have that kind of power. The galaxy... Feeling it all. There's so _much_ out there. It looks like nothing. But that's only because I'm nothing."

He thought back on his words to Rey on the Supremacy. He had called her nothing. But really, all of them were nothing. He may have been born with an important name and a powerful bloodline, but that didn't make him any larger in the galaxy. He was the same speck of matter in the vast blackness of space.

He called Rey nothing, but she had people in the galaxy willing to fight for her, to die for her. Those friends Ben had called thieves and traitors would have laid down their lives for her. No one would lay down their life for him.

He swallowed hard. Except for the man who had laid down his life for him. Who put himself in Kylo Ren's reach, to drive a lightsaber through his stomach.

Ben's laughter began harsh. He felt the tears stinging his eyes. Snoke would have killed him with half a thought. Ben had always been nothing to him. He'd mattered to his family. But he'd murdered his father. He might as well have killed his uncle. He'd helped the people who were now hunting his mother.

"Ben..." Kaila said worriedly. "Ben, it's all right..."

Ben continued to sob, unable to stop the tears from flowing.

And then he felt it. The warm body against him. Arms around his neck, holding him close.

He stopped crying. He stopped breathing for a moment. He was too shocked by Kaila's embrace. He hadn't felt anything like it in nearly half a decade. His hands shook as they wrapped around her.

She had hugged him before... So many years ago, when he was a child. She'd hugged him last the night she left with Master Bridger. Her touch reminded him others. His mother kissing him on the forehead. His father touseling his hair. Chewie lifting him up and letting him ride his shoulders. Sitting in Uncle Luke's lap so he could show him how to fly an X-Wing.

And the soft brush of fingertips. The last affectionate touch he'd felt before this. The one that was so very real, but hadn't really happened. The touch he ached to feel again, this time in the physical realm as well as the spiritual.

He still meant something to her, to Rey. He meant something to Kaila. Maybe he still meant something to his mother.

Him. Ben Solo. Ben Solo wasn't nothing. Ben Solo meant something to people.

It was Kylo Ren who was nothing.

Kaila pulled back and Ben just stared at her through tear-blurred eyes. He wiped his cheeks, his eyes still stinging. "What just happened?"

"Nothing," Kaila replied. "And everything. What you want to make of it."

Ben swallowed hard, nodding. "I think I'd like to stay out in space for while. If we can."

Kaila nodded. "There's no rush."

* * *

Three days into their slow journey through space, Ben had a question running through his mind. He sat in his bunk, staring at the holocrons on his desk.

Luke had spent years tracking down as many as he could to restore the Jedi Order. When Ben had destroyed the temple, he didn't hesitate in taking them. After killing Luke's students, it was the worst thing he could think of doing to his uncle. It took away hope that he could rebuild again.

Kylo had only used the Sith holocrons. He had only been able use to the Sith holocrons. The Jedi ones were protected from him, due the taint of the Dark Side.

He'd left those holocrons in his pack. He didn't want to look at them. He reached out a shaking hand to one of the holocrons, but thought better of it and withdrew it.

"What's stopping you?"

Ben turned to the door. Kaila was leaning against the frame. "You really should announce yourself."

"I should." Kaila nodded. "It's gotten me in trouble before. Why aren't you using the holocrons? There is good information in there."

"I've tried before," Ben replied. "They wouldn't open for me."

"When was the last time you tried?"

Ben looked down. He shrugged his shoulders. "It's been a while. A few years."

"What's stopping you now?"

Ben reached out and took one of the holocrons. He held it up to Kaila. "What if it doesn't work?"

Kaila shrugged. "It might not. You've twisted your soul up with the Dark Side. That's not something that's easily fixed. So if it doesn't work... You need to strive to get closer to the light. Until eventually it works."

Ben put the holocron back down onto the desk. "You should take these." He gestured to the holocrons. I mean, you're my Master now. Aren't you supposed to give me knowledge when you think I'm ready for it?"

Kaila pursed her lips in thought. "Hm. I guess so? I don't know. I've never had a padawan before." Kaila extended her hand and the holocrons floated up, levitating out of the room. "If you don't mind me asking... What were you looking for in the holocrons?"

Ben took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves. "What do you know about bleeding a kyber?"

Kaila's lekku twitched. "Probably less than you. Seeing as how you've actually done it." She held out her hand. "Can I see your lightsaber?"

Ben wrapped his fingers around the hilt and held it out to her. She took it, looking it over. "You know, this looks a lot like your old lightsaber."

"It's the same one," Ben admitted. "Just... I had to change it..."

"You don't want to know about bleeding." Kayla shook her head. "You want to know about purification."

Ben got to his feet, he kicked his chair away. "What am I thinking? If I can't even open a holocron, what chance is there that I can purify a kyber?"

"You know you don't have to do it." Kaila handed the lightsaber back to Ben. "That lightsaber works. You've used it for years. The color of the blade doesn't really change how it works."

Ben placed the lightsaber on his desk, staring at it. "Clighal... Octa Ramis... Lor San Tekka... Han Solo..." He could name a hundred more people whose blood the blade had tasted. What was worse were the people he couldn't name because he couldn't remember them. They were a blur. "If I'm going to be a Jedi, I can't use the weapon of a Knight of Ren."

Kaila nodded. "I've only ever heard of one purification that worked. Ezra told me about it. Did you ever hear about Ahsoka Tano?"

"Just a little," Ben replied. "Master Bridger mentioned her. But he always seemed sad when he talked about her..."

"Because he was there when she died. When she fought Vader for the last time. She had been Anakin Skywalker's Padawan. And he killed her."

Ben shook his head. "I hadn't known that."

"She purified two kyber crystals. Turned them pure white. Ahsoka Tano wasn't Jedi or Sith. She was a warrior... On her own terms." Kaila cocked her head. "How did you bleed the crystal?"

"I..." Ben grimaced. "All of the hate and rage I was feeling... I poured it into the crystal. I..." He faltered, looking down. "It happened all at once. That night. As I cut down more and more students, the blade turned red. It felt like my body was being torn apart. I was just so angry at Luke... I nearly blew up my hand when the crystal cracked."

"A lightsaber is a weapon the same as any other. It can be used to hurt... Or it can be used to protect. Remember when you first constructed your lightsaber... When you sought out the kyber crystal and molded it to your will. When it took on that blue hue... Think about that. What you want to use your lightsaber to do now. From there... You have to find your own way." She sighed. "But you know... It is the nature of a Kyber to be on the light side. That... What it is now... Isn't what it's supposed to be. Things always try to return to their natural state. You may be overthinking it."

Kaila left without another word, closing the door behind her. Ben grabbed his lightsaber once again and set it on the ground. He sat down, cross-legged, looking at it.

Meeting blades with his uncle, stopping the strike that would have killed him.

Each and every one of the students at the temple who'd stood by Luke. They'd put up a valiant effort, but were no match for him and his knights in the end.

Lor San Tekka telling him he knew where Ben came from. And Kylo slashing him across the chest.

His father touching his face and the look of shock as the blade had gone through him.

The blade clashing against his grandfather's, illuminating Rey's determined face.

Fighting back to back with Rey against the Praetorian Guards.

 _Strike me down in anger and I'll always be with you._

Ben held out his hand and reached out with the Force. He felt the casings pull away, the power cells and circuits dispersed. He opened his eyes and watched as the lightsaber fell apart. Soon, the two halves of blood red kyber crystal were exposed. Ben turned his hand palm up, letting the pieces rest in his hand.

He hadn't been unarmed in years. His lightsaber had been like an extension of his hand. He had willingly destroyed it. It would take ages for him to put it all back together.

But it felt... Right. If he was going to go down this path, he couldn't hold that lightsaber any longer. He would rather face any opposition on his own than with that blade.

His thoughts went back to the fight on the Supremacy. Since the lightsaber had been bled, that had been the only time it had been used to protect anyone.

He had tried to take over the First Order, acting like his attack on Snoke had been a power play. But in that moment, had he thought about that at all? No, all he had thought about was protecting Rey. When Snoke had ordered him to kill her, he knew he had no other choice. Snoke had to die.

When they had fought together, he had felt balance in a way he had never before. They didn't need to communicate to know what the other was doing, what the other needed.

Ben was so wrapped up in the memories of the fight, he didn't see the glowing figure standing behind him, watching the lightsaber components as they fell to the ground.


	8. Near Pando: Consequences

**Chapter 8**  
 **Near Pando: Consequences**

Having been exposed to his uncle's methods of teaching, Ben was surprised by the next week with Kaila. She left him mostly on his own in his bunk. He was free to move around the ship, but he found he didn't really want to much. He was content to sit on the floor, holding the shattered kyber crystal in his hand and meditating.

He was beginning to see the appeal Kaila found in space. After he'd reached out and felt how insignificant he was in the grand scheme of the galaxy, he began to feel... Relaxed.

A heavy burden was taken from his shoulders. All of his life he was told how he was the scion to the Skywalker legacy, the son of heroes Leia Organa and Han Solo, one of the most powerful potential Jedi in existence.

It was too much for anyone to live up to. But as a speck of dust in the universe, nothing was expected of him. With everything he had done, within a few generations it would be nothing but history recorded in a holocron.

He opened his eyes at that _feeling_ in his chest. He felt his breath catch. "I wasn't calling for you."

"You didn't have to before." Rey was sitting across from him. "It just happened." She looked uncertain. "Is it true? What Captain Syndulla said?"

"She says a lot of stuff."

"About you," Rey clarified. "Trying to become a Jedi."

"Kind of," Ben hid the shards of his crystal behind him. At Rey's confused look, he shrugged slightly. "I don't know if I'll succeed."

"That doesn't mean you're not trying."

Ben nodded. "I suppose so." He paused, looking down. "I thought I knew it all. I trained for years. But... I don't know if I know anything really. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. This is different."

"Your mother. I've never seen her so happy." Rey shifted. "I mean, she's not _happy_. But she seems... Less sad."

"Good." He nodded. It was awkward. He wasn't sure exactly what he was supposed to say to Rey now. Before- when they'd been on opposite sides- there was always a goal.

But didn't he still have a goal? Wasn't it really the same goal he'd had back then, he just had a word for it now? He'd wanted Rey by his side. But he hadn't wanted Rey as his apprentice... Not really. He'd wanted her as a companion. As...

He found his mouth was dry. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to talk to her now?

"Ben, are you alright?" Rey frowned deeply. "You look pale."

"I'm _fine_ ," Ben said quickly. "How are you? I mean... What are you... Doing?"

"I'm..." Rey cleared her throat. "I'm trying to help the Rebellion and reform the Jedi."

"That's good." Ben nodded. "It's... Good to keep busy."

He looked to the door. "I have to go."

"What?" Rey shook her head. "Ben, what's going on?"

The connection between him and Rey broke. Ben leapt to his feet and ran out of his quarters. He hurried into the cockpit, skidding to a halt.

Kaila looked back at him in surprise. "Ben? What's going on? You look like you've seen a ghost." She got up warily. " _Did_ you see a ghost?"

"Why did you have to tell me that?" Kylo demanded.

"Tell you what?" Kaila asked. "What is going on?"

"Rey! You told me how I felt about her!" Kylo pulled himself to full height, towering over Kaila. "Why did you do that? How am I supposed to talk to her now?"

"You knew you liked her!" Kaila looked up at him fearlessly. "Don't throw a temper tantrum at me because you get tongue tied! I'm sure Rey wouldn't be at all impressed by it." She gestured for him to sit in the co-pilot's seat. "I mean, I know you didn't date a lot when you were a teenager, but are you really incapable of talking to someone you like?"

Kaila sank back into her chair. "By the Force, you're really incapable of talking to someone you like."

Ben groaned, leaning back in his seat. "I suppose it doesn't matter. We're both Jedi. We can't be together."

"Since... When?" Kaila blinked.

"It's part of the Jedi Code," Ben said earnestly, nodding his head. "No romantic attachments."

"Ben." Kaila pointed to his clothes. "You're wearing my ex-boyfriend's clothes. And I'm a Jedi."

"I just thought you were bad at being a Jedi."

Kaila scowled. "Ben, no one's followed those rules since the days of the Old Republic. They didn't really work then anyway. Neither of us would be _here_ if they did."

Ben sat up. "But Uncle Luke and Master Bridger always said..."

"Oh... Oh _Ben_." Kaila sighed, shaking her head slowly. "That was just something Master Skywalker and Ezra told the younger students to stop them from messing around with each other. Even Master Skywalker and Ezra couldn't follow it. I mean, you knew..." Kaila frowned. "You _knew_ , right?"

"Knew what?"

"When Ezra left the temple. Their fighting was _really_ personal. You didn't pick up on that?"

Ben blinked. " _Really_?"

Kaila nodded. "For a long time. Basically as soon as they started working together."

"They just told you that?"

"One of my first lessons at the temple was to always knock." She paused for a moment. "So if when you started training you avoided romantic entanglements... And Snoke really didn't seem to encourage you to enjoy anything..." Kaila cocked her head. "Ben... You're not... I mean, you've..."

Ben blushed, looking down. "You know you could've told me the truth."

"It would've been _weird_ ," Kaila pointed out. "You were my little brother. I didn't want you to know what I was getting up to. I'm just surprised no one else ever told you. I know there weren't a lot of students your age, but there were a few."

"You were my only friend really. And you weren't even really my friend. You were... Another person who watched over me. No one else really liked talking to me."

Kaila frowned. "What about the ones who joined you? The ones who became the Knights of Ren?"

"They were afraid of me. That's not the same thing."

"Maybe me and Master Skywalker and Ezra treated you like a kid... But you're not one now." Kaila leaned over and ruffled Ben's hair. "Little brother, you are just... A complete mess. I'm starting to understand what you need to learn."

Ben looked at Kaila warily. "And what's that?"

"The only way you're not going to need Kylo Ren anymore is if Ben Solo learns to be a real person."

* * *

After a few more days in space, Kaila decided they had to go down to a planet. It seemed a random decision. She didn't bother explaining to him why she'd decided to do so. They were still doing fine on supplies. Maybe she had Rebel business she wasn't telling him about.

So Ben found himself down on the smelly planet. He pulled up his hood to mask his face, looking furtively around the sparse marketplace. It was really more of a strip of beggars. "Why would you bring me here?"

Kaila glanced at her Padawan. "Why? Do you have a problem with it?"

Ben's lip curled as he looked around at the beggars and merchants peddling whatever they could. "It's disgusting. We're not going to find anything we need here."

"Have you ever been here before?"

Ben sneered. "Why would I ever be here? It's wretched."

"You know, Near Pando used to be fairly nice. Especially considering it's in Hutt Space. It was a trade world. On its way to becoming a huge hub."

Ben recoiled from a man reaching out a gnarled hand towards his vest. "What happened? Did the Hutts stripmine it?"

"No." Kaila shook her head. "You did."

Ben blinked. "I've never been here."

"The First Order," Kaila replied. "They have a Stormtrooper training facility on Far Pando. Don't they?"

Ben shook his head. "But that's a whole other planet."

"It's choked off the supplies here. Everything that did come here is used to fuel your war machine."

Ben blinked, looking around at the people in the marketplace. He could feel the desperation in them. The hunger. The sickness.

"I would have taken you to Far Pando, but it's a bit dangerous... Stormtroopers everywhere and all." Kaila gestured around. "But it's even worse there. It used to be a really sweet farming world. Do you want to know what it is now?"

Ben remained silent, lowering his head.

"Do you want to know?" Kaila asked again.

"I already know," Ben murmured finally. He'd never been to Far Pando, but he'd been to other worlds like it. The natural landscape was burned, the ground cover in duracrete. Instead of trees towering over the landscape, huge barracks loomed over the worlds. Anything that wasn't demolished to house the troops was destroyed in training exercises.

"The First Order takes it all. The traders that come here now are ones the First Order doesn't think are tactically advantageous. But the only people who will put in the effort are slavers and warlords ready to pick clean the bones of this world."

Ben shook his head frantically. He hurried down the street, looking over each and every person. They huddled together. They pleaded with him. Tried to shove meager items into his hand, calling out low credit amounts for whatever trash they could part with.

Ben broke into a run. He ran all the way back to the Ghost. Once inside the ship, he fell to his knees, exhausted. He gasped for breath.

He heard Kaila's footsteps behind him. He shook his head. "I didn't do this."

"You absolutely did do this." Kaila crouched down in front of him. "Did you think I was going to coddle you, Ben? You are a murderer. _You_ , Ben Solo. It's always been Ben Solo. Kylo Ren was a mask you wore to try to separate yourself from it. But you were always Ben."

"Why are you doing this?" Ben pleaded. "Why are you torturing me like this?"

"Aren't there a thousand people who has asked that question of you? And how did you answer? _More_ pain. Death. Look at them!" Kaila placed her hand on Ben's forehead. Images of people he had tortured flooded into his mind. "I can see them Ben. They're all pleading for mercy. But you won't give it."

" _Stop it!_ " Ben roared, throwing Kaila back hard with the Force. He panted, looking at his fallen Master. "Why did you do that?"

"Because you needed to see it." Kaila's look of hard determination didn't change even still crumpled on the ground. She slowly pulled herself up. "Because all of the reasons you've given me for why you decided to leave the Dark Side... Because you're in love the Rey... Because you feel bad for your mother... Because you feel guilty about your father... Everything is about you , Ben. You're not trying to become a servant of the Light Side. You're trying to absolve yourself of your sins. But they're the sins that hurt _you_."

Kaila stood, looming above him. "You said you were nothing. That we're all nothing. But nothing can affect a great deal. You and Snoke and Sidious were all destined for failure, that's true. The galaxy is too big for one person to control. But look at the devastation one person was able to cause. The Clone Wars. Order 66. The First Galactic Civil War. And now the Second Galactic Civil War. You were all willing to burn the galaxy if it meant you could hold onto a piece of it. These people are doing nothing but trying to live their lives. But they're being choked to death by a war machine that hasn't stopped in nearly a century. You were a part of that. And I can't help you until you _know_ that."

Ben stumbled to his feet. He lurched towards the fresher. He got to the waste disposal unit just in time, losing the contents of his stomach.

"I'm sorry I had to do that," Kaila said quietly from the door.

Ben shook his head. "You're right. I did this. And so much more. How do we help them?"

"We can't."

Ben scowled. "Why would you bring me here if there was nothing we could do to help them?"

"We're a two person crew on a forty year old bucket of bolts. The First Order has an entire legion of troops on Far Pando. The only way to help this planet would be to get rid of the facility there. Even then, there's no guarantee this planet would be able to recover. It's been starved for years."

"Then did you show this to me? If there's nothing we can do?"

"I told you I was going to show you how to be a person. Being a person means being helpless sometimes."

Ben sniffled. "If what I've done is so horrible... Why would you still help me? Why would you lead me to the light side?"

Kaila looked sad. "Because you're crying right now. Welcome to humanity, Kylo Ren."


	9. The Ghost: Assets

**Chapter 9**  
 **The Ghost: Assets**

They were only a few hours away from Near Pando. Kaila had put the ship on autopilot so she could sleep. Ben found it impossible. His mind was still stuck on the people he had seen. The people whose lives he had ruined.

For as much as Kaila had claimed he would not be able to figure out how to contact the Rebellion, it didn't take much. Ben was far more gifted with mechanics than she was. He attached a voxscrambler to the comm. "Contacting Naboo Endor Ben Three Four Two." He still remembered his mother's personal code. She never would have changed it.

"Provide authorization code," the automated response came immediately.

"Uhhh..." Ben looked back out of the cockpit. What would Kaila have made her code? "Dume Bridger Wren Two Seven Seven."

There was a long pause. Ben cringed. Maybe he didn't know Kaila as well as he thought he did...

"Wasn't expecting to hear from you, Kai." This time the response was from a person. "Did you just sense I was manning the comm and in need of something fun?"

 _Dameron?_ Ben recognized the voice. At least he'd put the voxscrambler on so the pilot wouldn't recognize him. "I was in the Pando Spur. There's a Stormtrooper training facility on Far Pando."

"Your audio is garbled. Check your comm system for bugs. We know about that facility. Not a lot we can do about it right now."

He needed to sound more like Kaila, even with the voxscrambler. He cringed as he affected a Rylothian accent. "Zat ees why I'm contacting you. I found some security keys for ze facility. I'm transmitting zem now. Not much I can do with zem een my bucket of bolts, but you might want to see what you can do wit zem."

While Ben had never been to the Far Pando facility, he'd implemented codes into the Order system that would work anywhere. His skeleton key protocols. With Hux always a hair's breadth from betraying him, he needed to make sure he could cripple the General at a moment's notice. It was true they wouldn't do him and Kaila any help on their own, but in the hands of the Rebellion maybe they could do some good. "Ze codes will only work on planetary bases. And you'll only get a few shots wit zem before ze Order figures out what's going on. I'm sending a list of bases you might want to get some strike teams on before ze codes go bust."

"Babe... How did you get these?" Dameron sounded shocked.

Ben licked his lips, trying to think of a good answer. "Don't ask questions you don't want ze answers to."

"We'll have to look these over... But if these codes work out, you might have to take two nights on base for me to properly thank you."

Ben gagged. "Ghost out."

Ben disconnected the comm before Dameron could say anything else.

"That was a stupid thing you just did. And I don't sound like that."

Ben looked back at Kaila. "How are you _always_ there?"

"I got an alert someone was using the comm." Kaila walked into the cockpit. "You could've gotten us traced."

"You know I didn't."

"Poe could've figured out it was you."

Ben looked down. "Does he know I'm here?"

Kaila nodded. "All right... So you've sent codes to the Rebellion. What if someone in the First Order has already found your codes? Are these the same ones you used to get off of the _Finalizer_? You could've just condemned a lot of people to die."

Ben flexed his fists. "They're different codes. Rebel Intelligence will look into them. Tactical will figure out the best places to strike. Command will only go ahead with it if they think the plan is viable. I gave them my codes and they can do whatever they think is best with them."

"You could've mentioned it to me if you thought it was such a good plan," Kaila replied. "But you were worried it wasn't, so you didn't. Do you realize how bad off the Rebellion is right now? You don't find it strange a Flight Commander is on Comm Duty? That's because there's so few of them, Poe _needs_ to man the comm. They don't have a person to spare and you just suggested- while pretending to be _me_ \- that they send in strike teams onto guarded Order bases."

"I'm trying to help," Ben insisted.

Kaila sighed. "I'm sure the Rebellion will appreciate the tactical help. But you have run this stuff by me first. I'm not only your Master, I'm the Captain of this ship."

"Fine. It's just... I might just be a person, but I'm a person who knows things. I was a Commander of the First Order. If the Rebellion is going to beat them, they need people like me. Even if they don't know about it."

"Run things past me first and we'll decide together what to share with the Rebellion."

Ben sighed, leaning back. "Why was Dameron flirting with me over the comm?"

Kaila scratched her brow. "I'm surprised you can recognize it considering you have no clue how to do it yourself."

"He's _not_ subtle." He paused. "I'm not going to call Rey 'babe'."

"She might like it."

"Do _you_ like it?"

"I'm not the issue." Kaila looked away, staring at the console.

Ben grimaced, catching the wave of discomfort around Kaila. "Is Dameron your _boyfriend_?"

"No!" Kaila protested. "He's my friend. You know he's my friend." She pretended to be flipping switches, but it was obviously just something to keep her from looking at Ben. "A very close friend."

"A friend who always liked to flirt with you," Ben replied. "You told me it was gross."

"It was gross when he was fourteen and I was sixteen." Kaila's lekku twitched. "But he's not fourteen anymore."

Ben nodded. "But he's not your boyfriend. Just your very close friend. Your very close friend you're obviously have sex with."

Kaila glowered. "I refused to be judged by a guy who can't even talk to a girl even after he's offered to rule the galaxy with her."

Ben frowned. "I never told you I offered to rule the galaxy with Rey."

"Oh, _of course_ you did! A megalomaniacal worm like you would think that was the height of romance!" She slumped back in her chair. "You know, my life is spent ferrying cargo to the Rebellion, hiding from an elite squad of Dark Side Users _you_ trained to hunt people like me down. The few times I have managed a relationship with some smuggler or cargo pilot, it fell apart pretty quickly. Guys might like the idea of a hot Twi'lek warrior, but the shine wears off when I'm not willing to give up the Rebellion or they get tired of not understanding why I'm so secretive because I can't tell anyone I'm a Jedi. A lot of times I can't even tell them my real name! Most of the people I have any common experience with have been exterminated by the same people who are hunting me. So if I choose to blow off some steam in the arms of a handsome, charming man I have known for long enough I can trust him with just about anything than that is my own business!"

Ben blinked. "Are you finished?"

Kaila nodded. "Yes."

"That was..." Ben's lip curled. "Incredibly undignified and unnecessary. I take it you've been holding that in for a while?"

"Yeah."

"You're... Really defensive about this." Ben's brow furrowed. "Wait... Are you..."

"Are you trying to be _insightful_?" Kaila glared at him. "You're an emotionally stunted, sheltered virgin who panicked while trying to make small talk. I don't need you trying to figure out what's going on with me." She went back to the controls. "Because I'm _fine_. Nothing wrong with me."

"You say you don't sound like that... But your accent gets really heavy when you're mad."

Kaila rose from her chair. "I'm going back to bed. I need to sleep. I just know you're going to be getting me into more trouble soon."

* * *

"Sir!"

Hux turned to the Sergeant. "What do you have?"

"We've identified the prisoner Ren escaped with." He held out a datapad, bearing an image of the Twi'lek woman. "Our initial data was out of date. We identified the ship as the _Ghost_ , but the databanks listed Hera Syndulla as the Captain."

"Yes, it wouldn't have been her... Not if the latest communications are to believed. And no matter how well Twi'lek age, a sixty-three year old isn't going to look like the woman we captured." Hux looked up. "Her daughter."

The Sergeant nodded. "Kaila Syndulla. We don't have a lot of information on her. She was registered as a member of the New Republic shortly after the Battle of Jakku. Birth planet was listed as Yavin Four, born in Imperial Year 19."

"A true Rebel child then," Hux said, studying the woman's face. "She had a lightsaber when she was captured. Ren also seemed to know her."

"Sir, we have very little information about Skywalker's Jedi..."

"That might be the case for you," Hux snarled. He gestured to the shadows. "Commander Ren."

The black clad, masked figure- Exar Ren- stepped forward. Hux held his hands behind his back as he looked imperiously down on the knight. "Security recordings of the _Supremacy_ have been recovered via digital relay. My suspicions have been confirmed: Kylo Ren betrayed us and murdered the Supreme Leader."

Exar nodded.

Hux held out the datapad towards Exar. "Kylo Ren knew our prisoner. I suspect you do too. Who is she?"

"She is a Jedi," the vox scrambled voice came out from the mouthpiece of Exar's helmet. "Not one of Skywalker's. One of Master Ezra Bridger's."

"And here I thought Kylo Ren had you track all of them down." Hux sniffed. "Do the Knights of Ren remain loyal to the First Order and all that Supreme Leader Snoke has built?

Exar nodded. "I have taken command of the Knights of Ren. We will not rest until the traitor is punished for his crimes."

Hux nodded. "The Knights of Ren have the full support of the First Order. Anything you require is at your disposal..." a small smile curled his lips. "I know you were under orders from Supreme Leader Snoke... But the time for secrecy has passed. Tell me his name."

Black gloves reached up to the helmet, releasing the snaps on it. The helmet pulled away, revealing an angry but handsome face and dark brown hair peppered with grey. "His name is Ben Solo."

Hux stared at the Knight. He then began to laugh. "Ben Solo?"

Exar nodded.

"Oh." Hux was practically giddy. "No wonder you were forbidden from speaking of it. I always knew Kylo Ren was... Defective. I had no idea it was that rebel blood flowed through his veins."

"Solo will pay for what he has done," Exar hissed.

"His choice to take Captain Syndulla with him may be his downfall." Hux walked towards the comm bank, pressing buttons.

Exar followed behind him. "Syndulla has proven to be a difficult target. The Knights of Ren have been attempting to find her for years in order to exterminate her."

"Everyone has their price, Commander," Hux replied. "Everyone has vulnerabilities. Solo was a poor leader for you. He failed to teach you that not everything needs to be struck down with a lightsaber. Other means can be much more effective."

The hologram of a blue face appeared on the comm. Red eyes looked up at Hux. "General Hux."

"That is Supreme Leader Hux," Hux insisted. "There have been many changes within the First Order. One of those changes is a wish to renew the partnership with the Chiss Ascendancy. I hope you are amenable, Thrawn."

"And what do you propose?" Thrawn's voice dripped with contempt. " _Supreme Leader?_ "

"I received the communication you sent to Supreme Leader Snoke. The Aristocra could use ground support. You were offering a trade. I would very much like to go through with this deal."

"The last time I suggested an alliance to Supreme Leader Snoke, he seemed rather cool to the idea," Thrawn replied. "He didn't see the strategic value in it."

"Supreme Leader Snoke is dead," Hux replied. "And I will not make the same mistakes. What you were offering is quite valuable to me."

Thrawn nodded. "I expect an entire legion."

Hux hit some buttons on the comm. "Send your transport to these coordinates. I will collect the packages and give you your troops."

"Well, this is certainly a new day for the First Order. I look forward to seeing how things progress." Thrawn's holo cut out.

Exar eyed Hux warily. "How is that _thing_ going to help us find Solo?"

"Everyone has vulnerabilities." Hux turned to the Sergeant. "Have the security in the detention level doubled. We're receiving some very important guests."


End file.
